I am deeply troubled by the fact that I have such wildly opposite qualities and traits. I can create beauty and total chaos for myself and others. My behavior and choices have been less than stellar here lately. The after-effects are leaving me sitting here viewing a smoking swath of destruction in my personal life. While I am pursuing some personal and necessary support and assistance for some things I need to overcome, my disappointment in myself is deep, and difficult to shake. I feel very lost, but I am still here. Still seeking. Hoping one day to be able to be able to make amends, and if that is not possible, obtain the ability to step out anyway. Not quite sure how I can forgive others while constantly pounding myself into the dirt. I’m working on it. Probably the only thing I have left in myself is determination. Time will tell. Determination without confidence is scary. So yes, I am scared.